Very early in my career, I got some really bad advice. More than one well-meaning mentor told me that no one in business wants to hear the word no. “If you really want to succeed, be a ‘can do’ person, not a ‘can’t do’ person. People who get ahead are people who know how to become indispensable. Be the person that everybody knows they can count on.”

So you may be asking yourself, what’s wrong with this advice? It’s true that people who jump in and take initiative are great to have around and they are often rewarded with more challenge and opportunity. In fact, I realized in writing this, I actually gave this advice to my two sons when they were entering the workforce. Yikes!

Here’s the problem.

Heeding this advice, leads to an unconscious assumption that makes life harder than it needs to be – “I can’t say no.” A close cousin to the assumption “I have no choice”, this one works against you in some unique ways. Believing that you can’t say no, puts you on a fast track to overwhelm. It keeps you from developing the essential discipline necessary to pursue the important yes’s in your life. It dilutes your impact.

Why ‘saying no’ is an essential leadership skill

Effective leaders say no, a lot. They surround themselves with others who are good at saying no when it make sense to do so. They understand that saying no in favour of a more compelling yes, is a key ingredient to achieving meaningful and sustainable results.

Focus and discernment are critical aspects of effective leadership. The most successful leaders are clear about why they are here. They have a sense of mission and purpose and it drives everything they do. They have a well-oiled ability to cut through the noise and zero in on what matters most. And finally, they have the courage and discipline to make trade-offs.

So if saying no is such a critical leadership skill, then why don’t more leaders do it? And why is it so often actively discouraged in our organizations? Why do we so often hear, “I can’t say no”?

Six reasons why saying no is so hard.

1) The person you most need to say no to, is your boss.

That is really uncomfortable and risky. There’s a strong temptation to just suck it up and take it on even at the risk of jeopardizing those things that really are important. We tell ourselves that our boss doesn’t want to hear it, particularly if the directive is coming from higher up. However, this is what your boss really doesn’t want to hear – that by failing to speak up, you missed your results.

2) You’re actually not that clear about why you are here and what matters most.

When was the last time you asked yourself this question? “What’s the most important thing I’m here to achieve?” When was the last time you were able to narrow it down to one thing? Most of the time, we are just trying to survive, to get through the day or the next useless meeting. How often do we stop to ask ourselves, does this really matter? Is this the thing I most need to be paying attention to right now?

3) You don’t want to miss out.

If we’re to be totally honest, sometimes we actually don’t want to say no. A new project is interesting or cool or another step closer to the next promotion. Deep down, we like being the go-to person in the office, the fixer, the person everyone else depends on.

4) Saying no is awkward.

Saying no is uncomfortable. It makes everyone uncomfortable. The person in front of you has just given three excellent reasons why you would be an idiot, a heel or just plain heartless to say no. You can just feel the awkward moment of silence that will follow your no. Even the thought of it makes you cringe.

5) You don’t want to let people down.

People can take no personally. It can feel like rejection. Rejection is a universally ugly feeling. We don’t want to feel it and we don’t want to inflict it on others.

6) You want to have it all.

When the people we lead tell us that we can’t have it all, well… we really don’t want to hear that. After all, we believe in the “win-win”, “both AND”, right? We believe we can do it all. We can wedge it in. We can have it all. We don’t want to hear about trade-offs. We’re irritated when people ask us what priority we are prepared to put on the back burner to get this new one done. And we certainly don’t want to tell our bosses that the thing they now want more than anything else, is one bright shiny object that none of us can afford to chase.

So for all those reasons… we just keep saying yes.

The cost is too high.

The reality is that our cup can only hold so much water and, sooner or later, the water will spill over the top. Our failure to make the strategic trade-offs will mean that the trade-offs are made for us and they probably aren’t the ones we’d have chosen. That more compelling yes will be compromised, whether it’s the result we most need to achieve, our child’s soccer game or our personal health and well-being.

Saying no has its own rewards

“The easier way” is a path that embraces no. It’s true, saying no may not make you popular, but it will earn you respect. It leads to better decision-making, better results, less stress and an overall better sense of alignment and balance.

What do you need to say no to?